Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
