Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
