I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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