I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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