btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
