Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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