i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
