I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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