Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Drunk is not a location!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
