i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
