I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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