you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
