this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My feet surprised me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
