you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
