I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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