They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
