why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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