just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
