Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
