i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
