I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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