I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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