I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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