Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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