I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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