i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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