there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
