We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That accounts for only three of the penises
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
