at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
