i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
