hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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