I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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