This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
