Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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