i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
