Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
