just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
