your parents love me but you hate me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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