I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
