please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
