I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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