and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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