Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
