You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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