Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
