"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
