watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
