yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
