The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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