i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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