so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
