I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
